American comedian (1948- )
Oh sure, I have regrets, but that's the nice thing about age. Regrets fade. And eventually, you die.
LEWIS BLACK
I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say "soy juice", you actually start to gag.
LEWIS BLACK
Black on Broadway
There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, "GOD***N, YA SONOFABITCH!" and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar.
LEWIS BLACK
Rules of Engagement
I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'f***' isn't even a word, it's a comma.
LEWIS BLACK
The White Album
NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog!
LEWIS BLACK
The White Album
Music is like a drug; when you hear it, you have a vision. And that vision can change over time or remain the same. You know, that first time you're in love and you hear a love song and every time you think about it you have that vision of your special someone. And then two years later, after you broke up, you're at the bar. And you hear that song and you go, "Son of a b**ch... I'll have a Jaeger."
LEWIS BLACK
Luther Burbank Performing Arts Center Blues
So when I look at the children frolicking in the spectacularly blue ocean in front of me, I am not looking at America's future. I am seeing tomorrow's basket cases, the people who'll have changed their names to Tush-Tush or Kumsquatch or Poached in order to stand out from the crowd and who will never be noticed for their talents or accomplishments but for their massively narcissistic egos. I am looking at the next generation's Paris Hiltons and Kardashian kids and the motley collection of morons from whatever new reality shows are going to induce nausea in me in the future.
LEWIS BLACK
I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas
You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!
LEWIS BLACK
Red, White, and Screwed
I love New York City. The reason I live in New York City is because it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. It's really loud. They literally have guys come with jackhammers and they drill the streets and just leave cones in front of your apartment; you don't even know why. Garbage men come; they don't pick up the garbage, they just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, "F*** ME! F*** ME! F*** ME!" ... That was the first job I ever had.
LEWIS BLACK
The White Album
There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and sh*t aren't flying around.
LEWIS BLACK
Nothing's Sacred
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
LEWIS BLACK
Me of Little Faith
I also joined a fraternity. That's not a typo, I really did. One of the things about UNC that I didn't realize when I applied was that there were seven guys to every girl. And let's face it, those odds were not going to work much in my favor. The University of North Carolina at Greensboro, the all-women's campus, had five thousand women, and the only way I had a shot at meeting them was by joining a fraternity. I figured if I could get them in a confined space I might have a chance.
LEWIS BLACK
Nothing's Sacred
How our government works ... it doesn't.
LEWIS BLACK
Nothing's Sacred
Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.
LEWIS BLACK
Nothing's Sacred
Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?
LEWIS BLACK
Me of Little Faith
The democrats blow. The Republicans suck. Or Visa Versa.
LEWIS BLACK
Twitter, February 28, 2020
People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!
LEWIS BLACK
The White Album
Money is tight these days, and with the current budget, you have to have a bullet for a head to get so much as a dime.
LEWIS BLACK
Me of Little Faith
You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence what it does ... it's illegal!
LEWIS BLACK
Luther Burbank Performing Arts Center Blues
Michael Jackson? That's all I gotta say.... He's become a punchline. He has! Michael Jackson is a punchline. To any joke you want. If you ever forget the punchline to a joke, all you gotta say is 'Michael Jackson.' "Two Jews walk into a bar ... Michael Jackson!" "Why did the chicken cross the road? Michael Jackson!" "So the farmer brings his daughter to the dinner table--Michael Jackson!" It works for f***ing anything!
LEWIS BLACK
Luther Burbank Performing Arts Center Blues