No matter how far wrong you've gone, you can always turn around.
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Tomorrow (noun): a mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.
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Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
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The money's no better in retirement, but the hours are!
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The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos.
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Everyone is a reader.... Some just haven't found their book yet.
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Give blood. Play hockey.
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Vacation: a period of travel and relaxation when you take twice the clothes and half the money you need.
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We are young only once, after that we need some other excuse.
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A hypocrite is one who sets good examples only when he has an audience.
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A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you're home.
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Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
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Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons.
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My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all others.
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People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence.
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A teenager is someone who is well prepared for a zombie attack but not ready for tomorrow's math test.
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Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger ... but I love you now.
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Reputation is made in a moment. Character is built in a lifetime.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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